Coming Out

It was not a new practice for Taj to wake up in middle of night all anxious and soaked in sweat. It was the same dream she had been seeing since she was five. It's hard to even call it a dream for even dreams have a narrative however vague and absurd. It was rather a series of fragmented visions. She tried very hard to recall the details no sooner than she awoke. All she could remember was that it was the same dream. Exactly the way it had always been. The content, however, eluded her as always. No amount of visits to the mazaar had helped. She was even taken to Ajmer. No success. Psychiatrists said they could only help once the contents of the dream become known. Badi Bi did not allow his son (Taj's father) to consult the elderly relatives fearing that if discussed too much and with too many, the problem may give Taj a bad name. "We have to get her married one day, Rehmaan; don't forget she will be turning 22 this year. People would be loath to accept a disturbed girl in their families. I know...I know she is absolutely fine. It is just these weird dreams. Dreams are dreams. They come and go. Why so much pother" she would solemnly remark cutting thin slices of supari  with the sarota(metallic slicer) which her grandmother had given her.

The same events recurred tonight. Flurried, Taj switched on the bedside-lamp, and gulped down the water in the glass kept on the bedside-table. But as the she felt the chill of the water passing through her throat with every sip, she also saw the contents of the recurring dream flashing before her. Her heart started pounding. The sweating got even more profuse. She began reciting the Ayatul Kursi , but she paused mid-way. She could see each of the fragmented vision ever so clearly. Every detail of it visible with a remarkable clarity. Suddenly it all started making sense to her. Horripilation.

Her breath returned to normal after few minutes.
With squinted eyes she glanced at the wall-clock. It was quarter to three. Fifteen minutes from now Badi Bi  would wake up and go about running errands as if she had never slept the night before. She always woke up so fresh. Today, of course, she would be even more charged. It was Eid. Taj decided to go back to sleep. It was still two hours for her daily routine to start.

It was morning, and a pretty one at that. A mid-November morning. Sun-light was warm but no more prickling. Taj observed the house. It was exactly the way it had always been on Eid: the vases filled with fresh and fragrant flowers. Roses, particularly, as Rehan-her younger brother- was too fond of them; the air redolent with the delicious fragrance of sewainyan; the deewans covered with spotless and crisp white sheets; the covers on the bolsters had "Eid Mubaarak" embroidered on them in pale green silk. Badi Bi said Taj's mother had embroidered the message with her own hands. When they were kids Badi Bi would not allow Taj and Rehaan near the deewans lest the sheets should get creased. "Learn to sit gracefully, Taj. Don't want you grow up to be a cultured woman. There should be elegance even in the most mundane of the acts of a woman. You can't be as unruly as your brother" she would say frowning.

Taj would never feel bad at being checked by Badi Bi. She would always smile back. The table would be ladened with sundry snacks-- some roasted but mostly fried, variety of seasonal fruits, dry-fruits (her favorite dates too) neatly arranged in sparkling glass bowls. As the day would progress many guests would walk in carrying presents for the family and eidi for Taj and Rehan. Abba would greet the guests and hug them dressed in his new bandh-gala. Badi Bi would escort the ladies to her bed-room where they would have sewaiyan and closely observe the mehendi-patterns of each other. Humza aapa was always too proud of her designs. "I don't settle for anything less than the best, you see. I call the artists all the way from Hazrat Ganj"  she would say.

Taj, not being able to find Badi Bi, went to the courtyard to look for her. Badi Bi was scouring clean the big cauldron. "Good morning, girl! I am just cleaning this handi for the biriyani. You know how your father got angry the last time when we ran out of Biriyani before all the guests were done. Last night I asked Shaukat to hand me down the handi  from the attic. Your mother was an expert at cooking Biriyani. It's a science very few people know. It's not merely a mixture of rice and chopped lamb. It's an exquisite dish to be wrought with great care and patience. What would this new girl Salma know. But I am growing old, you see. I have to rely on domestic help now. I am a strict supervisor though, wouldn't you agree?" she said grinning. Taj could see her kattha-tainted teeth. "I miss your mother, especially on festivals. A house ought to have a mistress" she added misty-eyed.

Taj changed the topic as she did not want to dampen the festive spirit that had enveloped the house. "Badi Bi wouldn't we have Zarda this time? You know I like neither the Biryani nor the Paya" she said. "What kind of a Muslim woman does not like Biriyani? I know this has nothing to do with the Biriyani. It's about the lamb, isn't it? Why do you always fuss over non-vegetarian food? You are depriving yourself of such gastronomic pleasure. Foolish girl you are!" Badi Bi said in a tone that spelt exasperation and genuine concern.

"I don't know, Badi Bi. It's just that I've never liked it. There is not always a specific reason for personal likes and dislikes when it comes to food or colour or a mehndi-pattern. Not everything has a reason" Taj said. But the last statement came out a bit reluctantly as if she was trying to convince herself more than Badi Bi.
"You've always been a stubborn and fussy eater. Your abba is famous for bringing the healthiest and biggest of the lambs in the entire moholla. But, wilful child that you are, you will never even touch it, let alone tasting it. I have observed your habits right form your childhood-- you always behaved very different from the rest of your peers. I never figured out what exactly was the difference; but there was a difference nonetheless. What do you mean you don’t like non-veg food! Sometimes I feel you are not fit to be Muslim woman in the first place."

"Badi Bi!!" Taj cried. She took a couple of anxious seconds to compose herself, and said: "You know, Badi Bi, I think you are right."

Badi Bi returned a catatonic look. "La haul vila kuvat! Are you out of your mind, young lady? What do you think you are saying? What if your abba hears you! Come on, repent those words and ask Allah for forgiveness. Never should you repeat such blasphemous words, bitiya.”

Taj did not flex a single facial muscle. She stood there like a statue with her eyes fixed on the ground.

"Did you not hear me? Ask for forgiveness from Allah right now." Badi Bi's voice was stern this time.

"I think you have lost your mind. Ya Allah! such an inauspicious start to such a mubaraq day. Are you possessed by some devil? Maybe it's all because of things they teach you at that "celebrated" college of yours. This new-age education, I tell you, is hell-bent on expunging values and religion. I always told your abba to stop sending you to college and start looking for a groom instead. But then I am just an old woman. Who listens to me! Had your mother Rashida been alive, I am sure, she would have paid some heed to this old woman's counsel. Ya khudda!" 

Taj's father could not help but keep aside his morning-daily upon hearing Badi Bi's bawling. "What's fuss all about? Taj have you refused to help your grandmother in the chores again?" he asked.

" Rehmaan, take your daughter to either a doctor or a mazaar  for either she has lost her mind or she is possessed" said Badi Bi.

"Stop spinning riddles, Amma. What's the matter? Taj, will you tell me or not?"

Taj looked up for the first time in last fifteen minutes or so, and said solemnly: "Abba I don't think so now is the right time to discuss this. It's an auspicious occasion. I don't want to be the mood-spoiler. Guests will start pouring in any time. We better proceed with the preparations."

"I think she is right, Amma. You have a habit of making mountain of a mole hill. Whatever is the issue can be dealt with later. In fact we shall talk about it over lunch. Now come on the two of you, don't pull such forlorn faces. Get going with the preparations. I had sent Shaukat to get some gulkand. Has he returned yet? And, Taj, go and get your brother ready. Go see if he is still sleeping"

The father-daughter duo left leaving behind a speechless and bewildered Badi Bi. "Khuda khair kare" she said under her breath.

In the afternoon  dastarkhwan was laid, replete with sweet and savoury delicacies. Badi Bi had dropped Zarda from the menu. There was an eerie silence hanging over the food and the Malik family. Badi Bi decided to break it.
"So, Taj, would you like to tell your abba about your act of profanity?"
"Amma, are you still stuck with that? Taj, what is she talking about?" said Rehmaan Malik fixing her gaze on his daughter.

Little Rehan sensed the uneasiness in the ambiance and channelized all his attention to the bowl of sewainyan as if mentally speculating on the philosophy of sewainyan.

Taj put her spoon down and took a deep breath. She began speaking thus:" Abba, Badi Bi, you remember the cryptic dream I have been seeing for as long as I can remember. Today early in the morning when I woke up after having the same dream, I saw the dream actually flashing right in front of my eyes wide open."
The mother and son listened intently trying not to miss a single word that slipped out of Taj's mouth.
"So what did you see?" asked Malik.

"It was a lovely forest-- more of a grove--replete with all varieties of colourful flowers and shrubs. There was one particular note of fragrance which dominated among the other fragrances. I can't describe it in words. It was somewhat similar to the smell that emanates from that temple in the next street. An earthy smell.
I could also hear the gurgling of a river nearby, but I could not see it. It was twilight. Darkness had already begun to descend and had started tingeing everything with shades of black. I could also sense moisture in the breeze which affirmed the presence of a river in close proximity.

Suddenly, I sensed commotion. I could see clouds of dust hovering a few meters from where I was standing. I saw a herd of cows running past me. None touched me. Cows...such cows Badi Bi....I bet you would have never seen such cows ever in your life time. All of them stood tall. Their bodies were anointed with palm-shaped vermilion marks. Their horns and hoofs were gold-mounted. The gold gleamed in the oblique rays of setting sun. The hue of the sky matched with the colour of vermilion anointed on their bodies. They all looked at me while passing by. The look in their eyes was that of affection and familiarity. The next moment I found myself hollering out their names in a strange language: ' Ari Gaang!, Ari....Bhoori!..Ari Shyama!....O Dhauri!'. I was stupefied, Abba. It was a language I had never heard in my life. I think it was something similar to Awadhi. But it was not Awadhi. And those names-- I had no clue whatsoever how did I know their names. But they responded to my calls. It was as if they had known me forever.

As I stood there trying to make sense of this neo-eternal bond, I felt someone's hand over my right shoulder. It was Indulekha."



"Indulekha, who??" asked a visibly flustered Badi Bi as she ate the spoonful of biriyani that she had to forgotten to ingest listening to the description agog.

"I don't know who she was, Badi Bi," continued Taj in an exasperated tone," I just somehow knew her name, and she seemed so familiar to me. Calling her beautiful would be a gross understatement. Her complexion was like that of polished ivory. She had big and eloquent eyes outlined by thick mascara. I still remember those eyes: eyes which seemed to recite poetry with every blink. I don't exactly remember the dress she was wearing. I think it was a lehnga of the colour of purple tulip flowers.

  'Hey you girl,' she said to me, 'why didn't you fetch the lunch-basket on time today? You know He kept waiting for you the entire afternoon. I never knew you could be this careless. If Braj-rani gets to know of your laxity she will take you to task. Then don't come running to me. Do you realise He was hungry the entire day. Apologize to Him directly. He may be here any moment. He's already a little late...go-dhooli is also about to end. The night would fall in no time. My eyes are eager to see Him. No...our eyes. Careless girl you are!' saying so she swiftly ran away, with her long hair-braid oscillating from this side to that, to join her sorority. There were about seven-eight of them. They all watched me intently from a distance. I knew each of them. There was Vishakha too. She just lived two streets away from my house and would often seek my mother permission to allow me to accompany her to the city for selling curds. Sweet girl she was. We would often sneak out together to watch Him play on the river-bank with his friends. Just watch Him from a distance. Nothing more...nothing less.

The darkness was thickening gradually. The stream of cows did not seem to end. One herd after the other. Then another. There must've been infinite cows, I am sure, Badi Bi.  Following the herd of these formidable cows I saw a silhouette. I think it was Him. A tall figure. I could see the feather on his head flirting with the breeze. The moon-locket hanging down his neck was sparkling. More than visual sensation, I was relying on my sensation of smell. Every time he took a step closer to me I could sense the fragrance intensifying. The fragrance exuding from His body cannot be described. It was intoxicating to say the least. I would not have regretted dying that very second inhaling that unearthly fragrance. My pulse was amplifying every second. Notwithstanding his dark complexion, his face was aglow. Curly locks neatly tied in a turban which had become slightly slackened as it was  late in the evening. Not the turban's fault entirely. How long can it hold something to which so many hearts are affixed. My heart too. Those eyebrows were nothing short of Cupid's bow launching heart-piercing glances one after the other from underneath. Believe me, my heart had actually stopped beating when he looked at me and smiled. I could actually feel a void in the hollow of my chest. With his left arm resting on his waist, he raised his right arm to touch my chin. 'Why did you not get me my lunch-basket today, eh? I was so hungry. My friends went hungry too. You must never do so again. You can't evade me. I never ever let go of my people. Bring me my lunch on time tomorrow. I shall wait for you by Kadamb-Khandi. Alone.' 



As he walked away saying what he had to say, I stood there like a statue, unable to move a fibre of my body. Each strand of hair on my body was erect. My speech was impaired. Not a syllable could push itself out of my mouth despite the best of my efforts. And tears were gushing out of eyes in thick streams. That's when I saw myself for the first time. I was dressed in the same fashion as were Indulekha, Vishaakha  and the other women. My arms were full of chudis and kangans. I was wearing lovely anklets in my feet and the most exquisite of garlands and necklaces. And I was carrying a basket full of many food items in my left hand.

Upon turning I saw him dissolving in the semi-dark horizon. I wanted to call out his name and ask him to stop, but my speech had betrayed me. There were no women. No cows. All there was left was darkness. Surreal darkness. I ran and ran in the infinite darkness only to find no end of it.

You were right Badi Bi, I don’t deserve to be a Muslim woman. I don't think I can do away with my queer habits. Doing away with them would mean doing away with myself. Now I know where my calling lies. I have decided to visit Vrindavan tomorrow. ”