Billet-doux to An Ascetic

 Gopal prabhuji welcomed her in his cosy apartment. She was asked to be seated and wait for five minutes. She could hear the clinking of kitchenware and sound of spluttering of oil coming from the kitchen. She knew that the hosts had been eagerly waiting for her, and were fully prepared to receive her well. She sat there, diffident and slightly flustered. She had entered a vaishnav-household after a long time. Gopal prabhuji emerged out of the kitchen carrying a glass of water. 

"I just returned from the temple an hour and half ago. There was a special lecture; I could not resist attending it. I hope you didn't have much trouble finding the place." Gopal prabhuji said with a placid smile, and sat on the couch across the table.
  
She took the glass of water and quaffed the contents in one go. They exchanged civilities in the initial few minutes of the meeting. She was dying to hear about the subject that she was actually there for.
Gopal prabhuji's mother walked in with a tray loaded with two varieties of snacks. She got up and greeted her.

"You must be hungry...have some of these" she said. "I've cooked them myself" Prabhuji hastened to add. "Hari had asked me last night what was I cooking for you? I said Khichdi and papad.I tease him a lot! " he  said chuckling.

She smiled an absurd smile. 

After serving her the snacks in a plate, Prabhuji's mother left and carried on with her cooking business. The clinking ensued.

She thought it right time to get straight to the point. "How's Hari, Prabhuji? What did the doctor actually say?" she inquired.
Prabhuji thought for a moment and prodded her to eat first. She complied. The snacks were undoubtedly delicious, but she was least interested in them.
 

Prabhuji spoke after couple of anxious minutes: "It's a case of double cancer. While one is still curable, the other is in its last stage. He has hardly any time left. This might as well be his last fortnight."

Her hands started shivering. Her throat refused to allow the morsel to pass through.

Prabhuji looked unfazed, she knew Prabhuji was shattered inside though.
Prabhuji's mother reappeared. " I think you did not like the food. You haven't finished a single cutlet yet! Come on finish it soon. I shall serve the prasadam(lunch) as soon as the Lord partakes it." she said.
 

Prabhuji signalled her to keep quiet and not discuss Hari in front of his mother. 
She inferred that prabhuji's mother was oblivious to the whole affair.
"I really liked it, mataji. I am a slow eater." she said trying hard to sound sincere.

Prabhuji came to her rescue and spoke: "Maa, I'll take the guest in my room; we'll chat there for sometime and then have the prasadam." They headed for Prabhuji's bedroom.
She was asked to make herself comfortable on the bed.
She took out the dhotis she had brought along with her to be sent for Hari, and passed them to Prabhuji. Prabhuji saw the many beautiful dhotis that were brought.

"Dekhiye(look), I will try to have them sent as soon as possible, but to be frank I don't think he would need so many of them."

Prabhuji reached for two packets kept on his bed-side table, and handed them over to her.
"This is what Hari has sent for you. I know nothing about the contents; but he said he's giving his 'everything' to you," Prabhuji looked at her and then glanced at the packets, and again looked at her, "I've known him for 25 years of my life. He never gave me something which he would call his 'everything'. If I am not mistaken, you haven't known him for long, have you? You are very lucky, I must say. How are you guys related? Hari said he has never even seen you! Nor have you, I guess."

She made no answer trying hard to hold back the whirlwind of emotions wrecking her composure.
"Hari's episode seems like a wake-up call to me, Prabhuji." said she.
"Then wake up!! Why are you still pressing the Snoooze button?" came a prompt and sharp rejoinder. "This is the only thing that would make Hari truly happy. Both the Haris, this one and the one up there" he concluded.
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She returned home and hastily opened the packets.
She shut her room and cried....and cried, like a widow.
She was confused as to who was she crying for- herself or Hari? She thinks she was crying more for herself. 

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I can’t think of a day,

When I don’t think of you.

And I can’t think of a day

When I don’t want to;

For I fear evanescence,

And even more so

Your studied insouciance.

(About the evanescence)

    

Your detachment

That drew me to you,

Your disenchantment

That enchanted me,

Now intimidates me often.

Maybe you’ll never know,

Maybe I’ll never show

I sometimes doubt

Your disillusionment.

I envy it too.

Is it not just an illusion of

A different sort-

An illusionary wall

Between me and you?

Until I met you

I avowed myself

As ‘emotionally impotent’.

Then came you

And made me doubt

My own pronouncement.

You made me laugh;

You made me cry;

Own that you cannot

Not love me

However hard you try.

The moniker that

You call me by

Shall always

Grace my being

As long as I last.

All things- said and unsaid,

The silence-

Heard and unheard,

Will be enshrined

In my heart

Like the relics

Of a glorious past.

Now that you’ve reached

Where you’ve,

I understand your disdain

For all that is corporal

And mundane.

But then how would you term

What transpired between us?

For one thing I know,

It is not thiswordly .

Your visage

I’ve never seen;

In your proximity

I’ve never been;

Of being in your arms,

I’ve never received

The pleasure.

Yet I can read

Every expression

Of yours

With precision

Beyond measure.

It’s nothing less

Than an idyllic romance,

This relationship we share;

Sans the miasma of lust,

Sprinkled with magical dust

Of mutual love and care.

But pardon my audacity,

O’ tall eremite,

I am going to say it,

The fear of impiety, despite;

I’ve longed for your touch;

Mere touch and no more.

When your body aches

And is all sore,

I feel like massaging your feet

So that those painful moments

May swiftly fleet.

Merely holding your hands

Could’ve been my cure-

Expression of love

Innocent and pure.

What should I despair more?

The distance between us,

Or the lack of possibility

Of it ever being bridged?

It is not physical distance

That we are separated by;

It’s my wretched fate,

That I am betrayed by

Yet I find solace in knowing

That however far apart we maybe,

I am as close to you

As a mortal can be.

They question my allegiance

Towards you;

They say I haven’t done enough.

I wish I could make them meet you,

So that you could show them

That the allegations

Are but guff!

Let me quote you

To quiet these naive charges

“I care for you.

 I certainly do.

 In my own eccentric way.

 Let’s both admit,

 Our love is a li’l fey.

 What you have done for me

 I can never repay.”

What we share the

The world would never know.

These untold tales,

Ensconced deep in my heart

Shall forever and ever glow.

I was blessed to be

Privy to this occult

Journey of yours,

Where I have actually

Seen you rise

From the nadir

To the brow.

And my only desire is

To see you grow and grow.

Given my way,

I’d never let you go.

But with a heavy heart

I must accept

That to the inevitable

We must bow.

How much will it hit me?

Maybe you’ll never know;

Maybe I’ll never show.

Through you

Life has reiterated a lesson

That it is selflessness

That makes love burgeon.